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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26758621">Happiness is Right There Where You Lost It</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/niamh_reads/pseuds/niamh_reads'>niamh_reads</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aftermath, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eating Disorders, M/M, Penelope Bunce &amp; Simon Snow Friendship, Penelope Bunce is a Good Friend, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-Watford (Simon Snow), Simon Snow Is Bad at Feelings, Simon Snow Loves Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch Is Bad at Feelings, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch Loves Simon Snow, no beta we die like men</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 13:13:47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>625</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26758621</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/niamh_reads/pseuds/niamh_reads</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>No matter what fifth-year Baz says, Simon isn't a complete moron. He knows there are a wealth of emotions there, he can feel them in his chest. His worry is that if he acknowledges them, if he takes these feelings into the light and looks at them they'll never retreat back inside. They'll overwhelm him, overrun him. They will be all that's left of him.</p>
<p>Simon and Baz are just trying to live their lives after the events of Carry On. As anyone who is at least partially responsible for the death of their negligent father knows, it's not that easy to do.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Happiness is Right There Where You Lost It</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Trigger Warning!</p>
<p>Trigger Warning for anorexia and disordered thoughts around eating.<br/>Trigger Warning also for PTSD.</p>
<p>Please do not read if you are affected or could possibly be triggered by these themes.<br/>I have researched and I promise to do my very best to treat these themes with respect, not to romanticise them and to portray them as accurately as possible. Please, please let me know if there is something that needs changing.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Stop telling me how difficult it is! It isn't difficult!"</p>
<p>The words burst from Simon unbidden. He couldn't listen to Doctor Wellbelove trying to empathise any more, especially when there was nothing to empathise over.<br/>
He lost his magic, the Mage was his father, Ebb died protecting him and he killed the Mage. His father. None of that was difficult.<br/>
Okay?</p>
<p>"Okay, Simon. I'm sorry, I shouldn't be telling you how to feel." </p>
<p>Doctor Wellbelove patted his shoulder and Simon sighed, feeling guilt creep up at having snapped at the man checking up on him. He didn't apologise though, and few more words were exchanged until the doctor pulled up outside Simon's apartment building. The younger man shut the door with a mumbled "Cheers for the lift" and started about the four flights of stairs to the flat he shared with his best friend.</p>
<p>Penelope Bunce was a fearsome mage and an even fiercer academic. One could be forgiven for missing that upon first glance, however, as the young woman curled up in polar bear pyjamas criticised the attempts of a Great British Bake-Off contestant at Victoria Sponge.</p>
<p>"It's literally the easiest thing to bake, Si, but he can't get the consistency at all."</p>
<p>"Fuckin' spastic," Simon declared vehemently to a nod of approval from Penny.</p>
<p>"Honestly. How was Dr Wellbelove's check up this time?"</p>
<p>"In a shocking twist, it was exactly like the last time!"</p>
<p>Penny raised an eyebrow, a trick she had picked up from Baz. Simon was the only one who couldn't do it now, and looked like he was having a stroke every time he tried.</p>
<p>"I hope you don't take that tone with him. He is trying to figure out all that," she gestured vaguely towards Simon's tail, "for you."</p>
<p>Simon sighed as he lifted Penny's legs and slotted himself in beside her, resting her legs on his lap.</p>
<p>"I know, Pen. I'm grateful. Really, I am. But he just keeps trying to get me to talk about how I'm feeling and if I'm coping. I just wish he would piss off the the questions sometimes."</p>
<p>"He's worried about you." She tore her eyes away from the shit show of a Victoria Sponge to look at her best mate. "We all are."</p>
<p>There was a beat of silence when Penny almost began to hope that Simon would take the opportunity she had just given him to actually talk to her.</p>
<p>"Cheers for that, Pen, but there's really no need. I'm fine."</p>
<p>As if that didn't put a definitive enough end to the conversation, Simon's swift exit to the bedroom certainly did. He leaned back against his door for a moment. It wasn't that he didn't want to talk to them. It was nothing against Penny or Baz or Dr Wellbelove, but talking to them involved opening himself up, looking past the plaster-built wall into the real feelings. He much preferred the feelings and thoughts at the surface where everything was rosy, thank you very much. No need to dive any deeper.</p>
<p>No matter what fifth-year Baz says, Simon wasn't a complete moron. He knew there were a wealth of emotions there, he could feel them on his chest. His worry was that if he acknowledges them, if he takes these emotions into the light and looks at them, they would never retreat back inside. They would overwhelm him, overrun him. They would be all that's left of him.</p>
<p>So he won't open that can of worms. He'll be as emotionally inept as Baz always said at school. Not that Baz was much better. He thought he was fooling everyone but Simon can see it. Baz was falling apart too. </p>
<p>It was only a matter of who's going to fall first.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>"I'm in lockdown so I'm going to upload more!"<br/>I deny ever saying that.</p>
<p>Here is a fic that was borne of me thinking myself "Stop telling me how difficult it is. It isn't difficult." and then realising that sounded suspiciously like something Simon Snow would say.<br/>And the rest is history.</p>
<p>This will actually be a multi-chaptered fic for once with an optimistic upload schedule of a chapter each week.<br/>Fic title is from "Take Yourself Home" by Troye Sivan. Chapter title is from "Why Am I Like This?" by Orla Gartland (a wonderful Irish female artist who you should check out, especially if you like Dodie).</p>
<p>Niamhie</p></blockquote></div></div>
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